A Virgins First Time in a Strip Club Funny
1. He couldn't get the right angle to get in and had a premature detonation.
"My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We finally lost the V-card 3 days after the wedding.
On our wedding night, he couldn't get the right angle to get in and had a premature detonation. I was too shy to help guide him in. He said 'Shit! I'm so sorry!' and then we went to sleep. Repeat for a few days until finally BOOM! It hurt for a second and it was over another second later. We've been married 10 years now, we're happy and have a good, healthy sex life. I think we're both rather easy going and found it rather funny. It helped that neither of us had high expectations that it was going to be magic the first few (50) times. We still tease each other about it now."
— Ranucolo
2. I didn't even make it fully inside her before blowing my load.
"My wife and I were both virgins when we got married. The first time was great and funny to look back on. I didn't even make it fully inside her before blowing my load but after 15-20 minutes we were right back at it and had better success. We went at it at least one other time that night and then were humping like rabbits as soon as we woke up the next day. So much sex that week…"
— openthread
3. Awkward, short, really funny, and she said I need to try to thrust longer, so that was funny and demoralizing.
"First time was awkward, short, really funny, and she said I need to try to thrust longer, so that was funny and demoralizing. Also lingerie looks really good on beautiful women in real-life, too. Anyways I'm going back to banging my wife."
— pukevines2
4. It was NOT the best sex ever. Not even close.
"I'd rate it a solid 10/10.
Not because of the sex. Because it was NOT the best sex ever. Not even close.
But because I enjoyed figuring out this new and really really SURPRISINGLY complicated thing with my husband. And it was enjoyable and fun despite not having mind blowing orgasms.
Also we ate a whole pizza in the huge Jacuzzi tub during the pre and post sexy times. I'd recommend that to everyone."
— Inexperiencedascrap
5. It was awful.
"Man here, it was awful. Waited until married, new wife just got her period, and she was super emotional after all the wedding stuff. Plus she was a virgin too, so think super emotional, slightly painful, period sex that ended in less than 5 seconds. Second time next morning wasn't much better, except it lasted seconds longer.
Got much better after that. Still married 11 years later."
— BonquiquiShiquavius
6. Both of us forgot lube and texted the maid of honor, asking her to go to a store and get us some.
"It was … fine. The most awkward part was that both of us forgot lube and texted the maid of honor, asking her to go to a store and get us some.
The big problem that we have is that we were together for 4 years before we got married so we got really good at not having sex. Even after being married for a few years we sometimes seem to forget that it is just a thing we can do instead of watching old Futurama or Top Chef."
— FingersMcGee14
7. Our first night was a disaster.
"My wife and I both waited until marriage. Our first night was a disaster.
We actually got walked in on by strangers while we were stripping in our hotel room because the hotel switched our room last minute and forgot to give the other couple a different key.
It took me quite a while to get it up. I wasn't particularly nervous, I think the little guy was just shy. She said later she didn't even notice.
I spilled the entire bottle of lube in the middle of the bed.
Although it was kind of a disaster we were able to laugh about it and we still had fun and look back fondly on the night."
— poptartburner
8. I'm in the minority here, but it was honestly fantastic.
"My wife and I both waited until our wedding night. And I'm in the minority here, but it was honestly fantastic. We started out by always being honest about our expectations of sex, and what we wanted from it, both personally and for our relationship. A couple months before the wedding, she went to her OBGYN and told him her plan. He gave her something I've never seen before: a series of plastic 'expanders' that increased in size….or basically, just cheap, plastic dildos that no one would ever actually use to stimulate themselves. They started out really small….like the size of a pencil…and increased in size to be about average penis size. So she basically stretched herself out beforehand. This resulted in a MUCH more pleasurable and pain-free experience for her. We also had a variety of condoms (ribbed, flavored, etc) and oils/rubs to use. My best friend had also given me some tips on how to make sure I didn't go too early. Which was very helpful. So now finally to the wedding night….the first time. We went to our hotel after the wedding, ordered Pizza Hut, she changed into lingerie, and I waited on the bed. We both got to know each other a bit more, and then had a great first time. We ended up doing it a couple more times throughout the course of the evening. She even woke me up in the middle of the night and asked if I was ready (that hasn't happened much since). So basically, if you're waiting, just be prepared, talk with each other about expectations, see your OBGYN, have lots of ideas of things you wanna try (and you're both on board with trying), and have fun."
— I_am_not_a_burrito
9. Our wedding night was awesome and hilarious.
"My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I was a very plain 19 year old and he was 25 and never had the opportunity. Our wedding night was awesome and hilarious. When we got to the hotel, I put on my brand new silk nightgown and he turned on the radio. We started getting used to the new freedom when 'Let's Get Physical' by Olivia Newton-John came on the radio. We felt it was a sign and just went for it. We were giggling so much. We made love 3 times the first night and the same song came on during each session. It made it so memorable. It has been 35 years and that song still makes us laugh and run to the bedroom. The sex is still awesome."
— bethesda1313
10. It was great. I even lasted longer than I expected.
"Might be a little late to the party, but waited till marriage and it was great. I even lasted longer than I expected. That being said the reason I lasted longer than expected was 5 minutes before we had at it I shaved my recently groomed downstairs with a single blade Bic razor that the front desk lady brought up to me cause I didn't want to have 5 o'cock shadow for the first time my bride saw my genitals. Needless to say I had razor-burnt my wedding tackle right before losing my virginity. It only hurt on the in thrusts though so at least I had that going for me, which was nice."
— Ironkarl
11. I was painfully tight and also a bit fearful, and he couldn't last for very long.
"My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We were very excited, not only to have sex for the first time, but to get to live in the same house, go to sleep in the same bed, etc. Up until we got married, we never spent time alone together in his apartment or my dorm.
It wasn't as if we just had great sex immediately (I was painfully tight and also a bit fearful, and he couldn't last for very long) but that didn't really matter. We talked openly, and just spent time together and touched each other and enjoyed being together, and laughed a lot together (we played rock paper scissors for who would take their clothes off first!)
So honestly, the first night in terms of sex was pretty disappointing, but neither of us were disappointed because we weren't just looking forward to sex, we were looking forward to being married. And we were thrilled that we were finally married and got to live together!
By the end of the honeymoon we were better at just the literal mechanics of sex, and no less thrilled to be around each other and be married (and be naked!)"
— GetOutTheWayBanana
12. We couldn't get it in.
"My husband and I both waited until we were married.
But on our wedding night, I suppose from all the commotion and stress from the wedding, my husband came down with a high fever about the same time we made it to our hotel room. So we just ordered in a pizza and went to sleep.
The next day though, we gave it a whirl. Or tried, I should say.
I'm not entirely sure how much of it was because of our own inexperience and how much of it was because of my husband's disability (mild cerebral palsy) but we couldn't get it in. Tried and failed and switched positions and tried and failed until we gave up and just did other things.
Epic disappointment for both parties as far as having real sex goes…
It's like you wait your whole life for that one moment and then it just doesn't work out the way you had imagined. Lame."
— i-am-willow
13. We got in the Jacuzzi, enjoyed some wine, and made love. Twice.
"Mine was actually pretty unforgettable. I wanted it to be special and memorable, so we rented a really nice hotel room with a Jacuzzi, i bought a really nice white lingerie set, got a bottle of wine with two personalized wine glasses. When we got to the hotel after the wedding, i immediately jumped in the shower because my hair was covered in birdseed. After my shower, we got in the Jacuzzi, enjoyed some wine, and made love. Twice. After the second time, we got some junk food from the vending machine and reminisced about the wedding while eating it.
Left the next morning after breakfast and stayed in a tiny 1-bedroom cabin off the grid for a few days. Absolutely perfect. I wouldnt trade it for the world, that night meant so very much to me.
The sex itself was pretty much what i expected, it was painful for about the first 3 months. But that goes away."
— anonymous2278
14. Fine, but some fumbling around.
"The first night was fine, but some fumbling around. What was worse was the next three years. We were virgins for religious reasons. However, she had some mental block about uncircumcised penises even though that had nothing to do with our religion.
Two or three months into our marriage she starts bawling after sex and confesses that my uncircumcised penis has led to her waiting for me to fall asleep before she would then cry herself to sleep at night. From that point on, she would openly cry at night, or openly cry during or right after sex. Then we had another miserable three years together, pretty much hating being married but sticking it out because in that religion divorce could get you kicked out of the church.
I became so depressed that by the day she finally did leave me I only weighed 125 pounds at six feet tall. Three weeks later I had my appetite back due to sheer joy and had gained 25 pounds in 21 days.
If we hadn't been in that religion our relationship would've lasted no longer than it would take for me to drop my pants in front of her because she literally couldn't stand foreskin.
I never confirmed it but I always suspected she must have been abused to cause such a reaction.
I'm no longer in the church anymore and don't speak to old friends or any family. Honestly the best decision I've ever made, to leave and not come back."
— growlybeard
15. First night was awkward, but not terrible.
"I ripped her dress! Seriously, though…
I've been married for nine years and have never had sex with anyone but my wife. I was SO pumped for our wedding night. I read a Christian book beforehand to help educate myself (aside from the crappy porn I had seen… which didn't help at all).
We got to our bed and breakfast where I offered to help her out of her dress, zipper got stuck, I fiddled bit a bit and then just gave it the old college try… and I broke the effin zipper! Made for a huge hassle at the reception the next day. Lesson One: don't have a reception the day after your wedding… stupid Mormon traditions.
We laid there and touched each other for a LONG time… that was incredible. The Christian sex book said to try giving her an orgasm with my finger first; I rubbed her raw. BAD IDEA for a newb like me. Lesson 2: Orgasm doesn't happen from that kind of rookie rubbing.
I had them leave us some whip cream and strawberries. Learned the hard way that whip cream should NEVER be put on her lady parts. (Lesson 3)
Finally, we just had normal sex a couple times that night…also amazing. Not as amazing for her, but she still really liked it. The next morning we joined all the other residents for a communal breakfast. 'You two just got married yesterday?!?' Followed by awkward silence and strange glances. Lesson 4: Don't stay at a bed and breakfast with communal dining as newlyweds.
First night was awkward, but not terrible. In fact, it was still really magical in a lot of ways. Nine years later, we have had four kids and LOTs of practice. I get her to O once or twice a week. We have perfected the art of the morning quickie. At least once a month we stay up all night and do it several times in a row. Life is good."
— benny_throwaway85
16. What I was thinking was 'how is that supposed to fit in me?'
"Is it just me, or do people like it when people's experiences with this are horrible? First times (from what I understand) are usually not the best for anyone.
Anyways, my first time with my husband was good as far as first times can go. It was almost just too over-whelming even seeing each other naked for the first time. I was shocked that his dick was massive (I guess it's really not, but I hadn't seen an erect dick before) and what I was thinking was 'how is that supposed to fit in me?.' We couldn't get him in and able to move, so we waited. Then we woke up in the middle of the night and tried again and got it to work haha. It was a little awkward, but super exciting since it was so new and weird.
It's wayyyyy better now cause sex with practice gets better (1.5 years). The other night we had a mind-blowing time and he said 'wow, we've gotten a lot better at this.' Also, coconut oil was discovered at about the 6 months mark."
— littlelamb0814
17. The lingerie was on for a total of 30 seconds and I was done in about two minutes after that.
"We're both Mormon and as a result, extremely horny – lots of bumpin and grindin prior to the wedding nigh, but no sex. We got married in a small town in Utah and then drove to Vegas for our wedding night. LONGEST 90 MINUTE DRIVE OF MY LIFE. We couldn't keep our hands off each other the whole time. We get to the hotel (Mandalay Bay: highly recommend) and check in. They tell us to leave our bags and that they'll bring them up to the room for us. Huge mistake. Anyway, we walk through the entire casino and eventually get to our room. Right before we go inside my wife turns and says she thinks I forgot to lock the car door. I assure her that I did, but she insists I go check. So I run all the way back, through the casino and get to the car. It was unlocked. I was instantly less frustrated. I run (literally) back to the room. I walk inside and she says "the bags aren't here yet." Not wanting to be balls deep in my lady when they drop the bags off, we decided to wait until they arrive. We both sat awkwardly on the bed and start making out a bit, but she stops us because, again, she didn't want to be bumping uglies when the bag boy arrives. We stop. I'm a stone at this point. She suggests turning on the TV while we wait. We turn it on and start watching Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. We watch for about 10 minutes and I decide to call the front desk and ask about the bags. They assure me that they'll be there in 20 minutes. Ugh, 20 min. My 25-year-old virgin self almost died. I tell her the bad news and we resume watching Star Wars. We watched the whole movie before the bags finally showed up (I fell asleep on the end of the bed). I graciously thank him for bringing our bags, but I was pissed (yes, I tipped him). She grabs a few things from the bags and goes into the bathroom. My mind instantly thought of every dirty scene I had seen in the movies and imagined that was what was awaiting me. Again, I was an instant stone. She comes out wearing lingerie and I almost blew everything in my pants. She comes over the bed and we start making out. In my ignorance, I didn't realize foreplay is essential to get her going, but in my defense all blood flow was diverted from my brain. The lingerie was on for a total of 30 seconds and I was done in about two minutes after that. We both just laid on the bed and fell asleep. We ended up having sex 4 more times that night before 6 am. Been married almost 6 years now. Definitely worth the wait.
Also, pro tip: make sure she pees after every time or suffer her getting a UTI and being unable to have sex the rest of the honeymoon."
— ledzeppy333
18. I didn't cum, and I did fake it, which I felt kinda bad about.
"My husband is religious and wanted to wait. I met him when I was 18, and he was 19. He was my second 'serious' boyfriend, but I never had sex with the first.
He was really great about it. We did not do oral sex or anal sex, but we did use our hands with each other. I know he masturbated and watched porn too, and he didn't try to hide it from me. I know it was really hard for him to wait, and many times in the heat of the moment, we claimed he had changed his mind. I didn't want him to regret his decision, so I always made him wait a few days to make sure he wanted to do it. He always changed his mind.
Our wedding night, it went okay. It wasn't great, but it was better than anything we had. I wasn't too tight either, as we had done stuff with hands before. Also, I know he prefers amateur porn over professional, and I think that helped, because he didn't try any tricky shit that night. I didn't cum, and I did fake it, which I felt kinda bad about, but he just seemed so intent on having me finish, and I don't think it was in the cards that night. I didn't want him to be too upset with himself, especially on his wedding night. A few weeks into the marriage, I started to be more vocal with sex, and now that's not a problem. I think the best part was the anticipation leading up to it. It felt nice to have something to look forward too after getting married. We lived with each other while we were engaged, so there would have been no other changes due to getting married if we were also having sex. That's probably just my personal view though, and I imagine it varies."
— Waitingthrowaway420
19. We had sex five times that night.
"I was recently married on March 25, 2017. My husband and I were raised religious. Both of us were virgins. He's 28 and I'm 20. The first night was pretty interesting. We came back to our apartment before heading to the hotel. We had started in the shower. We didn't have any furniture at the time so we went on the air mattress. It was pretty weird considering the angle of the air mattress and the moving around so we waited to go to the hotel. When we got to the hotel we were hungry so we ordered Taco Bell lol. We cuddled and started off in the bed. It hurt for me but there was no blood. Each time we did it, it hurt a little less. The lube burned me down there so we switched to KY which was less irritating. We had sex five times that night. Then I got my period the next day, so I was pretty miserable our whole honeymoon but we found other things to do. Getting use to what positions you like and what feels good is the hardest part. Something positions I feel more then others. Some positions hurt his knees so we had to give them up. All in all, we've been married almost a month and it's been great."
— Xcierraxb
20. She didn't have sex with me for 5 years after our first night.
"Super painful and awkward for my wife. We were Mormons at the time so we married each other very young and she was not ready for any of it.
Mormon girls are sometimes raised to be very cautious of anything related to sexuality. I guess some people have trouble with switching off the negativity.
Eventually when we had sex for the first time she was clearly just waiting for it to be over. It made it really tough for me to feel comfortable with that either.
She didn't have sex with me for 5 years after our first night. I still can't believe we made it through that.
I ditched the Mormon church fully about 6 years ago partially because of the way it influenced our lives."
— Gholer
21. We had sex for what I'm guessing was about a minute.
"It was fantastic, both of us were 21. The two years prior had plenty of sexual frustration for both of us. We both had low expectations but high hopes. I had a ton of tea lights between the door and the bed, rose petals leading a path and then hung notes from the ceiling of between the entryway and the bastion all saying the reasons I love her. We had sex for what I'm guessing was about a minute the first time and then a second time shortly after that then we hungry and tired (we stayed the night in our house we are renting, neither of us had lived in there yet so it was new and fun as well) so we ordered pizza and watched Finding Nemo. Half way through the movie we went back to the bedroom and had sex twice before falling asleep. She woke me up once for sex and then in the morning we went at it one more time before heading off to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon."
— rabidsquirre1
22. It barely fit and I kept complaining that it hurt.
"We made a video of our first sexual experience (first time for both of us). I am so glad we did, because it's hilarious! His was too big and mine was too small, it barely fit and I kept complaining that it hurt. He was at his wits' end and kept stuffing pillows under my back, not knowing what else to do. Omg, I have stitches from laughing, just thinking about that video."
— cmonthicantbetaken 
Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2017/04/22-people-describe-losing-their-virginity-on-their-wedding-night/
Publicar un comentario for "A Virgins First Time in a Strip Club Funny"